I think I need time out tomorrow morning. It’s a terrible thing, because I feel intensely guilty for not wanting to spend every moment with my baby (I could write a book about mother’s guilt and I have only three months to draw from. Imagine the series in twenty years time! I could beat Robert Jordan). But I do think she gets tired of me too – by the end of the day she welcomes her father home with the glee only reserved for the exceptional.
A friend once described it like this: “I am my baby’s water – constantly flowing and always there. But his father is my baby’s sunshine, and just lights up his day.”
So I have asked for an hour of time out for myself tomorrow morning and my husband has readily agreed, even though he has a nasty head cold at the moment. A happy mother means a happy family, so the saying goes, and probably for a reason.
I have been a bit worried (cos that’s what I do), that I have been getting tired of my baby more and more often. Last night, I had to lie down for half an hour even though she wasn’t really settled, because I was just, so, tired. My husband offered to take over and I only resisted for a minute. She had worn me down.
A few nights previously (I think – my sense of time is shot through with diamonds of moments, like a bridal hairnet – dazzling but barely there) I had had to give her to Yen as well.
“Thank you,” I said as I passed her over. “I was contemplating defenestration.”
“You were going to take away all of Ellie’s assets?” Yen asked.
“No. I was going to throw her out the window.”
“Oh,” he said. ” I always get that word confused.”
Not that I would actually throw my baby out of the window (you can put away the DOCS hotline number). But sometimes, you just need a break.
I think I am going to schedule a regular weekend time out session. If it is in the schedule, I might feel less guilty about taking it and about wanting it. And I can look at it as important bonding time for Yen and Ellie, which it no doubt is. Then, when I come back to my husband and baby, refreshed by an hour free of my responsibilities, I will look at them both with the gratitude they deserve, rather than the weariness that I feel.